CLEAVE: Building Closeness
C: Change actions to positive
Marriages tend to be satisfying and stable if the ratio of positive to negative interactions is at least 5:1. A positive interaction is any interaction that the partners feel good about. It can be large or small. It can be a communication, a light touch, a smile, a favor, a chore, an unexpected compliment, or anything. A negative interaction is also anything that the partners feel negative about. It can be large, such as a large emotional fight, or small, such as a slight, a forgotten birthday, a devaluing look.
If you want to build more intimacy, build in more positive interactions and reduce the negative interactions. Simply stop acting negatively as much as possible. That will make a big change in your relationship. Yet it is hard for your partner to see what you are NOT doing. Doing positive things for each other is the easiest for your partner to observe. Try to do things that the other person likes.
L: Loving romance
How did you show romance to each other when you began to get romantically involved with each other? Try to show romance similarly again. Pretend that you are dating for the first time.
E: Employ a calendar
We all adjust the amount of intimacy, distance, and coaction we get through arranging our activities. If you feel short of intimacy, change your activities, rearrange your calendar, to do other activities that meet those needs. Simply using a calendar and planning positive events can increase the number of positive interactions and promote more intimacy.
A: Adjust intimacy elsewhere
Sometimes husbands and wives do not have the same needs for intimacy. One will require more intimacy and the other will be stifled by too much intimacy. We can have some of our needs for intimacy met outside of marriage. Not sexual intimacy of course, which is reserved for the marriage bond, but other intimacy such as sharing plans, talking about important topics, recalling good times, praying together. For the person who needs more intimacy that his or her spouse is comfortable with providing, a same-sex friend can provide many intimacy needs. For the person who feels stifled by too much intimacy, often that person can cut back on intimate interactions with friends so that the partner can fill more of the person's intimacy needs.
V: Value your partner
Valuing love builds intimacy. When we feel valued, we feel closer to the person who values us. Try to consciously value each other. Each spouse should look for and identify the partner's actions that value the spouse. To the extent you can seek to value the each other more in tangible ways, you will feel closer to each other.
E: Enjoy yourselves sexually
Husbands and wives must go beyond the movie stereotypes of instant passion and immediate intercourse and must learn patiently to pleasure each other sexually. If there are sexual difficulties or if you aren't enjoying your sexual relations, learn to be better lovers. Communicate better during love making, including talking to each other erotically (which is very individually determined). Don't rush into intercourse. Enjoy caressing each other's bodies. Have your partner show you (by guiding your hand) exactly how to caress him or her in a way that is exciting. A good lover is not one who knows exactly how to pleasure the partner. A good lover is one who tries to do what the partner wants (assuming it is not against the your standards or is not harmful) each time they make love.
C: Change actions to positive.
Sentence Completion
*It values me when you __
*I feel loved when you __
*I feel sexy when you say __
*I feel like you respect me when you __
*I feel close to you when you __
*You look sexy when you __
*I feel happy when you __
*You affirmed when you __
*You communicated well when you __
*I appreciate your __
*One quality I really like about you is __
*You helped me when __
*You are exceptionally __
*I really like it when you touch me __
Telling your partner positive and intimate things can increase your feelings of closeness.
L: Loving Romance
When you began to fall in love, you probably put a lot of energy into romancing your partner. When you romance your partner, it makes your partner feel special, valued. What did you do to romance each other when you began to get serious about each other? Could you do any of those things more than you now do? Do you think it would help you feel more intimate with each other?
E: Employ a calendar
People regulate their closeness by the ways they spend the 24 hours of the day. Each activity that a person does contributes to the balance of distance, co-action, and intimacy. Distance is performing activities alone. Examples might be listening to a walkman, studying, reading, and daydreaming. Co-action is performing activities with another person but without intimate interaction. Simply doing things together are co-active activities. For example, going to the movies together, playing a sport or board game, and talking about what to buy at the grocery this week are co-active activities. Intimacy-producing activities promote a sense of unity or bonding. Having sexual relations, talking about values, recalling pleasant times, discussing matters that both partners consider important, revealing positive feelings, and sharing secrets are examples of intimate activities.
Each person has a unique need for distance, co-action, and intimacy. Generally, each person is comfortable within a band, or comfort zone. One person may require low to moderate amounts of distance, low amounts of co-action, and high to moderately high amounts of intimacy. Another may have a different balance. We regulate our needs for distance, co-action, and intimacy through the activities we perform throughout the day, week, or month. We select careers and mates with an unconscious eye to the likely demands they will make for distance, co-action, and intimacy. When people are not in their comfort zone on distance, co-action, or intimacy, or any combination of the three, the person will feel unsatisfied and will be motivated to redress the balance.
A: Adjust intimacy elsewhere
Are there any areas of each partner’s life that might benefit from adjusting their pattern of intimacy, co-action, and distance?
V: Value your partner
Each of these ways to increase your intimacy boils down to a single principle: value your partner. Make your partner feel special. Treat your partner like a pearl of great value. We have been through a lot of suggestions about making your marriage better by this time. Are there other things you could do with or for your partner to make your partner feel more valued?
E: Enjoy yourselves sexually
One way to be more intimate with each other is to have a good sex life together. Dr. Worthington, who has had over 20 years of experience with marital and sex therapy, has created a list of what he calls “Myths About Sexual Satisfaction.”